What is loss?
It’s something heavy. Something abrupt. You expect the stages to be separate, as you have read them. How can I say goodbye to you? Is there really a way? Is it needed? Are you here?
You experience it all together, confused. Many times even all the stages in one day. And you remain to support yourself first, to accept yourself for all the sadness you feel, for all the anger, for all the frustration, for all the despair, for all the feeling that the earth is collapsing under your feet. In order to be able to coexist with the same phases at a different pace, that your immediate loved ones go through, who experience it just as much as you do. The abrupt, the vast, this deep process. Get into the understanding of yourself and those around you. You can call it grounding or forced landing.
You wake up from the illusion and stare at what really matters. Do not miss a single second of your life. Be present. Even when you are pissed, and when you are resentful, and when you get hurt by words and deeds of the endless interaction with the other human being. We are here to experience all our emotions, all the experiences we can express with the human body.
Is everything pointless or does everything matter? All or nothing? One way or another you will return to a daily routine, some will return more abruptly, others more gradually. In the everyday life that you will choose to return, you need to include all the lessons that you learned from the sudden, the abrupt, that catches you unprepared, as you believe that nothing makes sense, to find motivation, to return. All this pain to be transfigured.
To fight for a better self, for a better world. To rediscover hope, joy, light. Go through all the darkness, through all the immersion. Experience it. Let it teach you, develop you. In any way. Do not stop chasing your dreams. Do not stop appreciating the smallest moments, and create them every day. Do not be afraid to throw away or give away things you do not need. Do not be afraid. To share. Be transparent. Do not keep things to yourself. Talk and open up. To discuss. Be clear. Never give up, no matter what happens.
All these will come over time. When you allow yourself to experience everything that does not need to have a name, that does not need to be taken in steps, that does not need to be analyzed. No matter how much self-knowledge you have, no matter how many studies you have done, no matter what you believe about the journey of the soul, whether or not there is a soul, at that moment all of these have absolutely no meaning. It is important to experience all that is still considered taboo. They are called “negative” while they are just emotions. Awaken the primordial mourning, greet your loved one in whatever way your body and soul want to be expressed. Respect grief, respect loss. The analysis and the stocktaking come later, in the aftermath of the storm. Let it break out.
Thank you for teaching me, I will continue to learn. Thank you for teaching me to respect the choices of others and the choices I make for myself, and my choices that you respected even when you did not understand them all. Thank you for what you told me and for what you did not tell me. Thank you for being my father.
“For me, the world had changed, for the world, everything was the same.” And your journey is continued, dad. I love you.